tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13680868.post-1143778329722019802006-03-30T22:39:00.000-05:002006-03-30T23:12:45.243-05:00my head keeps falling over. i start breathing really slowly, and then my eyes go all unfocused, and then i let my head fall over. see, it's the let part that i don't get. i have fallen asleep with my head unsupported, and it falling over wakes you up, so it's not that. or maybe it is. whatever. it just feels like that trip to miami where i fell asleep on a plane, a bus, and a boat. i would literally fall asleep if i wasn't standing up or being talked to. except, then, i thought it was because of the five hour a night sleep i was getting. but last night i got 8 or 9. i just started doing it again in the middle of that sentence.<br /><br />and again. and they just put me on an ADD med, like, three weeks ago. ugh. and i've only been up 12 hours!! i don't know. sometimes i think my body has been dealing with the deviated septum for so long that it has forgotten to breathe right. like, i'm consciously moving my chest a good 1/3 of the time. i don't think that's normal. especially because when I have to do it, i do it all wrong and feel like i'm suffocating. maybe that's why i dream about suffocating all the time.<br /><br />ugh, okay, i think i was going to post<br /><br />a. okay, i watched this movie and that was part of what triggered that awful train of thought i kept having yesterday, and now i keep getting this awful, like, twinge, you know, like you would get a sudden, sharp, but isolated and totally random pain somewhere in your body? only it's a thought-twinge, no, a mood-twinge, and i think, it has something to do with the movie, only then i think about everything i had been thinking about the movie, and i'm, like, no...i feel okay about that. like even just concentrating really hard on how bad i feel about the movie doesn't account for the sharpness of the pain. maybe this sounds weird, like i'm saying i can't pour a shallow (my pain at the movie) dish of water into a thin glass and get a really high level (the twinge), but moods really aren't like that. like, usually if you get randomly reminded of pain, then, if you KEEP thinking about it, it either stays just as painful or gets worse, like you could pour the water in the thin glass out and fill a tub to the same height it was in the glass, because the deepness of the pain (depth/height of water) is the same no mater what area (length of time thinking about it) you fill it across, and so you see this is not isomorphic (structurally identical) to physics. i mean, actually, the mood-twinge and aftermath i'm describing are isomorphic to the way the glass works, but that's not how moods work!! so i don't get it.<br /><br />b. um...oh, right, i'm gonna try writing down when my periods are and when my bad moods are (BOTH of which i should have been doing for years, but jesus fucking christ, if i can have _blue velvet_ out from netflix for a YEAR then i can be that stupid). cause this whole fucking week has been CRAP since well since i watched the movie and i just got my period.<br /><br />on the upside, GOOD NEWS!!!!! i am down to 138 (read: pm, 138, am 140) from 156 (high weight of all time) last summer. only i'm stupid and don't realize that was almost a year ago. i feel like it's still right now.<br /><br />i don't know what's wrong with me...i just...can't DO stuff anymore. i'm just fucking useless and wasted. and i hate it. cause i have so much yet to prove and so much money to make...i hate it taking an hour to write an email, half an hour to brush my teeth...<br /><br />love......................................................ira.irahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126052534311148133noreply@blogger.com