tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13680868.post-1134092034328846772005-12-08T20:14:00.000-05:002005-12-08T20:33:54.340-05:00is what I was going to say, but I guess I already said it. I wrote a letter to the editor last week and they published it. I felt empty all day but made good if frantic conversation with K. Saw Julie, said the same stupid things I always say. I read the short story "Brokeback Mountain" and sobbed for a half hour afterward. Just like I did after they almost towed me...stupid things that would just make someone else get a tear in their eye make me convulse, shake, bleed my eyes dry.<br /><br />...I'm thinking of that Fallout Boy song "Sugar, We're Going Down". I've been driving around all day foreseeing tragedies. Then I read one, as good a one as I doubt I'll find being as how a love story about a man and a woman makes me want to hurl, and I fell apart...<br /><br />My eyes looked so blue with all the redness around them, I was shocked. I'm not sure I've ever stared into my own while I was sobbing. I wish they were greyer... E at my old workplace had green eyes. I came in with a bruise on my face from having my wisdom teeth out. The gossip at work was that her baby's daddy was hitting her. She came right up close to my face and asked me what happened--that was when I noticed how green her eyes were. I don't even remember anything after that, just long boring days of working with a fantasy of making out with her in the breakroom to fill my head...<br /><br />I think what kills me about that story is not the end, but how sharp and true it is, that remembrance of certain moments. Of times when we wish we could have split off from the world and just lived a life apart in that happiness...or times when we should have known that it was over, that it was really over, that nothing would ever fix it now. And then, the knowledge that that height that we attained will never be seen again in this life...that there is no going back...<br /><br />You know, they tell you in AA that acceptance is the answer. To everything. And it is. What they failed to say is that acceptance doesn't keep you from pain, or from love and the knowledge that love will end. Pain is just so very, very much larger than thought and rationale and logic and any conceit such as "acceptance". When it's there, you know it's there. What's hard to imagine is the world that pales in comparison ever coming back into focus. That's what's hard to accept--pain just IS, it doesn't stop to be accepted, and I figured out some time ago that feelings are for feeling. Period.irahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126052534311148133noreply@blogger.com