sleeping awake

my head keeps falling over. i start breathing really slowly, and then my eyes go all unfocused, and then i let my head fall over. see, it's the let part that i don't get. i have fallen asleep with my head unsupported, and it falling over wakes you up, so it's not that. or maybe it is. whatever. it just feels like that trip to miami where i fell asleep on a plane, a bus, and a boat. i would literally fall asleep if i wasn't standing up or being talked to. except, then, i thought it was because of the five hour a night sleep i was getting. but last night i got 8 or 9. i just started doing it again in the middle of that sentence.

and again. and they just put me on an ADD med, like, three weeks ago. ugh. and i've only been up 12 hours!! i don't know. sometimes i think my body has been dealing with the deviated septum for so long that it has forgotten to breathe right. like, i'm consciously moving my chest a good 1/3 of the time. i don't think that's normal. especially because when I have to do it, i do it all wrong and feel like i'm suffocating. maybe that's why i dream about suffocating all the time.

ugh, okay, i think i was going to post

a. okay, i watched this movie and that was part of what triggered that awful train of thought i kept having yesterday, and now i keep getting this awful, like, twinge, you know, like you would get a sudden, sharp, but isolated and totally random pain somewhere in your body? only it's a thought-twinge, no, a mood-twinge, and i think, it has something to do with the movie, only then i think about everything i had been thinking about the movie, and i'm, like, no...i feel okay about that. like even just concentrating really hard on how bad i feel about the movie doesn't account for the sharpness of the pain. maybe this sounds weird, like i'm saying i can't pour a shallow (my pain at the movie) dish of water into a thin glass and get a really high level (the twinge), but moods really aren't like that. like, usually if you get randomly reminded of pain, then, if you KEEP thinking about it, it either stays just as painful or gets worse, like you could pour the water in the thin glass out and fill a tub to the same height it was in the glass, because the deepness of the pain (depth/height of water) is the same no mater what area (length of time thinking about it) you fill it across, and so you see this is not isomorphic (structurally identical) to physics. i mean, actually, the mood-twinge and aftermath i'm describing are isomorphic to the way the glass works, but that's not how moods work!! so i don't get it.

b. um...oh, right, i'm gonna try writing down when my periods are and when my bad moods are (BOTH of which i should have been doing for years, but jesus fucking christ, if i can have _blue velvet_ out from netflix for a YEAR then i can be that stupid). cause this whole fucking week has been CRAP since well since i watched the movie and i just got my period.

on the upside, GOOD NEWS!!!!! i am down to 138 (read: pm, 138, am 140) from 156 (high weight of all time) last summer. only i'm stupid and don't realize that was almost a year ago. i feel like it's still right now.

i don't know what's wrong with me...i just...can't DO stuff anymore. i'm just fucking useless and wasted. and i hate it. cause i have so much yet to prove and so much money to make...i hate it taking an hour to write an email, half an hour to brush my teeth...

love......................................................ira.

racing

thoughts. unwanted ones. can't seem to think about anything i'd like to think about, these remembered things keep intruding--scenes from movies, a pathetic story i started writing and wish i hadn't, extrapolations of random events...

got into some sort of weird feud with the honors program that ended in me insulting two deans in one email. though, to be fair, it was in response to a childish and condescending email that failed to respond to the email before that, in which i accused the head of the program of lying to my face (which he did). uh, god...i knew i was going to beginning regret what i was doing at some point, but...i really didn't want to be afraid of my inbox again.

can't help feeling things have soured. i think i need to stop watching meaningful, ie depressing, movies--fuck people who think that makes me shallow. i'm not shallow, i'm a very, very deep pit of soul-sucking self-loathing, and all i need is for one more person to dump a bin of rubbish in, and i fall apart for days.

anyway, i should not--not, not, not--attempt to ascertain the size of the unwanted part of me by feeding it bits and scraps of things. i can't tell you what i mean--without telling you what i mean, i mean. just that...

just...every time i lose one secret, i develop another, and i'm running thin on the ones that feel good. i think i should...should...just...start--cutting again...please don't take this as me fighting the urge, i could care less, just that there ISN'T an urge, only me thinking maybe i can train myself not to think in certain ways that upset me by cutting off all my thinking...

oh, god, i...it's like part of me is a tape and it just keeps jibbering and jabbering and no matter how many times i hit it it just keeps replaying the same section replaying the same section replaying the same section replaying the same section

and even if i stop it, it comes back, and it makes me feel...truly insane. nauseous, sick to my stomach like depression does, with all the desperation of anxiety, only not enough to make me do anything crazy, just...

just growing week by week, month by month, it's been growing all my life dear fucking jesus christ since i was a KID and it makes me so afraid. it makes me so afraid.

i'm sorry i can't tell you what i mean. i don't know the whole story yet, anyway.

i hope i never find out.

what no one knows

been a while. i've been...keeping up with my schoolwork. i haven't been to psych (101) in about a month, but the last test made me realize that i don't really need to if i do the reading and read the book.

been keeping up with abstract algebra the best. been doing all the homework, showing up on fridays and at least a monday or wednesday a week. now, real analysis (class), well...i show up for quizzes and usually after i've been to abstract algebra, since they're back to back. i haven't done the homework the last two times, but i've been up with the quizzes. geometry is same old same old; so glad that class isn't rigorous, but...

well, we got the homework back for geometry (only 4 homeworks all semester, this was homework 2), and turns out i got two of the four problems totally wrong. and i spent a good five hours on those two. ... ...

so...yeah...

we had a test in there today, and i think i got maybe a 75/100. with any luck that'll be curved to a low B. i hope.

and the abstract algebra test today...................................

i just got back from it. i guess i didn't study enough. some of the problems, i just...i just stared at them for 20, 30 minutes and couldn't remember anything even tangentially related. like my brain just...didn't have it. i feel so weird now, like i floating, only under heavy pressure, like maybe

at the bottom of

a river.

my body's quivering, though, so much nervous energy that i couldn't use to my will. just...didn't study enough. i have just...no drive. but i am going to finish; i hate it when people ask me that, i explained it to julie:

if i even allow myself to consider the option of failure, then i will fail. if i even allow myself to know that thought. i have kept myself clean of it--will continue to do so. i hate even writing this, even talking about it.

because what no one knows...what no one can truly know, is that when i stopped drinking, it wasn't because i chose to do so. there was no choice. i was on a one dimensional track with no branches. i could only move in one direction. it wasn't even a choice between stopping and dying. there was no dying. there was only the future, and i could do nothing but be swept forward into it.

that is what no one understands. that what i call me had...has...nothing to do with it.