29th hour

I'm in the mighty vast canyon of the heartland again. Not empty and dark and quiet. Just...wide open. Just on the edge of dust.

I, honestly, and in a different way than I usually say this, do not know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. Space out. Don't even know what I was doing for ~5 minutes. Oh...God...does that take me back. Huh...kinda weird I...didn't...notice that HADN'T been happening. Although, to be fair, something must have been filling this last month cause I sure as hell DON'T KNOW WHAT IN THE FUCK I'VE BEEN DOING!!!

As usual.

I'm just, like...FREAKING OUT HERE. Just a...haha...*insert Phoebe laugh here*...little bit. Everybody has been saying over and over and over and over aren't you glad it's OVER!

It's. not. over. And every second I get closer to the wire, the more and more and more fear burns into me, and every second that passes the time left just stretches longer. Because I see how much work left to do I am cramming into shorter and shorter and shorter spaces and I know...I. KNOW. That I will never. Never. NEVER!! Make myself begin in time.

Maybe I am terrified of succeeding. Of how hard it would be. Because I don't want to know that my best is so painful that I'll never even want to achieve it again. Or because I don't want to find out that it wasn't as easy for me as I thought it should have been. Maybe because I know when I get there, that just like all the worst nightmares that came to life for me, the way I'm not terrified of them anymore, if my wildest dreams come true, and they're just as empty as the nightmares were, then I won't have anything to hope for any more.

Not that I hope for anything. Honestly, my soul is so empty inside...you'd think it was a wonder I could survive if you didn't know it was the only way I could...

I'm sorry. I'm crying right now. I get so tired, so goddamn tired, of living in this second-guessing hole. I can't just let things lie as they will, not when I know what I do now about my brain, how it works, when I know the only things I hold onto, in the middle of the night, whn I'm all alone and I'm scared, can be taken away and no evidence ever left that they were there to begin with. No one to ever remind you of how much you once had, how real the pain really has been...

Only everything gone in the middle of the night, and leaving someone in its wake just normal enough for no one to care about saving.

Ah...just left you for ~30 to sob (chest-heaving, full-on) on my bed. Going to try to watch something funny. Drink milk. Clean out.

Save you later, Ira...

PS - I've only been sleeping every other night. And...there's...still not enough time when studying LITERALLY 24/7 to not fail my first goddamn motherfucking exams in two & 1/2 years.

People don't realize, you know...when you don't sleep...you make it around the clock three times and enter a different world entirely. It's funny. Sorry; don't have time to get specific. Need comfort time now.