So sick...

Got high again. On cough syrup (DXM). Don't know why. I guess I keep trying to pass Go and collect my $200. Feel shitty. Yeah, that pretty much sums it. Lovecraft rocks my aorta (whatever that means). Lotsa shit ta do tuh-mah-ruh. Maybe somewhere in there I could squeeze my head?

1/2's of things

Half-remembered things
Halves of intentions,
glancing sideways through me
never snagged, never bobbing enough
to climb onto, but water-logged, forgotten
before ever being fully seen or named or known
faces half-recognized--maybe if I cover
my eyes they won't see me, and oh
is it comforting to be in the dark,
dark where the rainbows play, where
only My eyes see the worlds and worlds and
worlds that spin there, faces and creatures and gods
spun out of dust, want to touch them, want to
spread my hands and see them play there in
the space between,
sunlight falling in ingots through dusty blinds, how
tired it makes me, resting heavy on my back,
urging me to sleep and sleep and sleep,
and yes are there gardens there, but
they do not bloom, nor does the sun
burn away the fog that cloaks that countryside
of twisted oaks, how dark they are with the damp,
and how do their limbs curl in pleats as her hair does,
flowing dark down the curves of her body, and
oh, shall i never wake but only push and push and push at this
membrane that draws me down into darker waters,
farther from air, from light, into cities of the dead that
sleep below? it is well that they should sew my mouth shut
before resting me below, for i should talk and talk and talk
in circles, spirals, whirlwinds of madness, pouring forth
in burning waves the worlds that burst inside my head like
stars, trailing bright and then fading, fading, always fading
before I can catch them in a jar, all crawling and gasping for air before
dying, oh god if only there were ink enough to put justice to this
madness, i should pour myself out in thick runnels and rivulets of
blood onto canvas, but my hands are knotted, my jaw is clenched,
grasping so tightly this monster that grows inside me, terrified and
mad with jubilance at the day it shall burst forth, leaving me
in bloodied shards, outside and inside now same and
all right the world, time enough to stretch out on a long narrow bed, roll
over, close my eyes and sleep, dream realms of stars and gods,
leave you to sweep up empty pieces; I shall be far away and one with
my longing.

Like burning

Tried to masturbate again and couldn't. Why [sentence deleted--ira]? I don't even know which side [sentence deleted--ira]. Maybe both. I suppose if I can sabotage and torture myself, [sentence deleted--ira].

Ended messily. Bloodily. Won't give you details.

Went to VASAP. Lied about being in recovery. That's all it is these days. Ever since Julie put it into my head that there might me more to life than teetering on the brink.

Garbage people

God, I feel sick, sick down to my toes, sick like I could just sick up the whole of me, purge it out in one great slipping sliding mass the way snakes escape their skin. I guess it's the guanifesin talking. Got to stop popping those Tylenol Flu pills like I'm snorting coke or something. I can't even close my eyes when I'm on those things. They come popping open open open like I'm witnessing the breakdown of civilization. Maybe I am.

I suppose I took it for granted that I would at some point tire of sabotaging myself. But apparently it never gets old. Thought I was done with hiding, too, with slipping sideways thin as paper along sentences. Really I am certain at times that

the world

hangs

by a thread

and I, drop-like

am ready

to fall into

the sky...

Arrogant self-hatred

It seems my own views of myself are as extreme and unbalanced as everything else about me. Either I'm a genius and the best writer/mathematician/woman ever or I'm lower than whale spit and don't deserve/am allowed anything.

Like with singing. I LOVE to sing. I have one of the largest ranges of anyone I know, and nearly perfect pitch, but my chest/head voice break is SMACK in the middle of nearly every song I love (ARGH!), with very little overlap. Plus I can't sing that loud, especially around other people (I get totally paranoid and my throat clenches up involuntarily...take about your body betraying you...). So depending on my mood, I'm either a totally awesome singer or I totally SUCK. And the sad/true thing is that I have no idea which is accurate.

One of the things I heard at AA once that I loved is that being humble is being right-sized: neither too inflated nor too deflated. And I adore that idea, but it's so far away it might as well be in outer space.

Loving the world, but only cause I'm drunk--ira.

My left eyeball hurts...

...from puking too much. And why is it that for like an hour after purging, I can still smell puke and can't for the life of me figure out where it's coming from?

God, just looking at pizza now triggers my gag reflex.

Why does my therapist laugh when I say that it really might be possible for me to drown to death in my own pain? Cause I just don't think that's funny. I think it's true.

My chest hurts. Wonder if I'm dying or just been puking too much.

Naked and un-air-conditioned...

Sitting naked in my room, cursing whoever keeps changing the thermostat from 62 (my setting) to 72 (PSYCHOTIC SETTING). Considering how I could wire the thermostat permanently to 62 and cursing only have 3 semesters of Elec Engineering training.

Got to go see Julie (my therapist) at three. Terrified. Last session was INTENSE. Am going to print a poem and read it to her, that I wrote in response to last session.

Room filthy. Covered with remains of binge food (cupcakes, beef jerky, strawberries, milk). Need to clean toilet. Getting gross.

Got to pull myself together.

Here's the poem:

Silence shimmers inside me
Blood flutters the way sound
Trembles Bone,
To Be Free
There is me,
Lying nude doe-like
\Wet eyes trusting
And there is me
Scratching my face off
While the world burns down
And There is me
And There is me
And There is me
Calmly slitting my throat
With a shard of shattered
Mirror
Pieces
So many pieces,
I can't catch
Them all Falling
Awkward scrambling
Scraped knees
words that can't be
Stuffed back in my mouth
With both fists
Bone biting bone
Pain
The only Beauty I know.

Trying this thing out...

Testing...